Help! I’m the Higher-Libido Spouse (Part II)
By Janel Breitenstein
Yesterday we explored some of the intense heart issues when libido in a marriage is asymmetrical (as it often is). Whether the spouse with the lower sex drive is the husband or the wife, here are more ideas on how to deal.
1. Open up communication.
- Approach your spouse when he or she is relaxed and cared for. Communicate you’re in their corner. You might talk while snuggling or holding hands.
- Watch your nonverbals. Commit to stay chill and empathetic.
- Understanding, not fixing, is your goal right now. I want to talk about something awkward that means a lot to me. I’m noticing you’re not wanting a lot of sex lately.
2. Speak life.
This is your opportunity—in a vulnerable place for both of you—to speak a direct, healing message to insecurity. I accept you 100%—and unconditionally. This isn’t me against you. Let’s heal together.
You’re communicating what Jesus did in our weakness: I will go the distance to accept you when you cannot perform. I will give of myself to bring you close.
3. Get intentional.
This could mean:
- Engineering a less congested schedule.
- Getting some cardio exercise together, assisting sexual function.
- Troubleshooting medication issues.
- Locating an accountability group for struggles with porn or extramarital attraction.
- Seeking counseling for the perpetual conflict or for deep-seated issues stealing confidence and adequacy.
- Giving some lead time (via text or conversation) to warm up to the idea of sex later in the day.
- Reminding your spouse of what is going right, where value lies—and that you’re still their biggest fan.
- Guarding your “diet” of friends’ and media’s expectations—which can stoke unmet desire. How will you reroute sexual energy?
The good stuff: “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Action points: Take one minute to pray for your sexual relationship―and about which suggestions above God would have you heed.
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