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Today we’re talking about how to stop your child’s angry cycle. Once a child is angry, it’s easy for him to stay in a cycle of thoughts, emotions, and physical responses that feed his rage. Here’s what the angry cycle looks like and to stop the spiral.

How to Stop Your Child’s Angry Cycle

The flash of anger in my tween daughter’s eyes surprised me. We’d been camping, and my 6-year-old had just burned her finger on hot ash. As I treat the wound, my older daughter strode toward us. “I hurt myself, too,” she said, with attitude. “Last night when we were making s’mores.”

“Hold on,” I said. As my younger child screamed beside me, I tried not to show my frustration. “I need to help your sister first.” This was the first I’d heard of the other child’s burn.

My tween’s anger flared then. “You always help her first! You don’t care for me at all!” She rushed back to our cabin as I finished bandaging the six-year-old’s hand.

I walked back to the cabin, dreading the confrontation ahead. I could see how the next few minutes would play out: pleas and demands from me, mounting anger and accusations from her. There had to be a better way to manage these cycles of anger. It was making all of us weary, especially my older daughter.

What Is An Angry Cycle?

Once a child is angry, it’s easy for him to stay in a cycle of thoughts, emotions and physical responses that feed his rage. Here’s what the angry cycle looks like:

1. An event creates pain or distress that sets off the child’s anger. This event can be something another person says or does, or an unmet expectation.
2. The pain triggers thoughts or memories that focus the child’s angry response on another person. For example, he may think you don’t understand his life or that you care more about a sibling.
3. These “trigger thoughts” lead to a negative emotional response. Your child feels frustrated, rejected, fearful or enraged.
4. These emotions cause a physical response, such as a flushed face, tense jaw, pounding heart and clenched fists. As anger takes control, a child finds it difficult to think rationally.
5. Finally, a behavioral response occurs. The trigger thoughts, emotions, and physical reaction evoke a fight, flight or freeze response.

Stopping the Angry Cycle

We often try to lecture our children or teach them a lesson in the midst of their angry cycle — right when they cannot think rationally. Our best efforts at correction will likely not get through when our child is in this highly emotional state; harsh discipline often makes things worse.

This is true of kids of all ages: An emotional, angry teen can’t be any more rational than an emotional, angry toddler.

When one of my children is angry, I know I have to first stop the angry cycle before anything else can happen. I use some of these phrases instead of escalating the interaction:

• “I see you’re angry.”
• “I am sorry that happened to you. I’ll be here to talk about it when you’re ready.”
• “I get angry, too. How can I help?”
• “When you’re ready, I can tell you how I handle things when I get mad.”
• “It’s OK to be angry, but think about how you act next. Make good choices.”
• “I understand you’re angry. But can you try to understand my point?”

When I acknowledge my children’s anger, they see that I’m paying attention. When I make myself available, my kids can turn to me for help. They do want to make good choices—they just need extra guidance, and they are often grateful for my offer to help instead of simply sending them to their rooms or giving them consequences.

Being available and attentive always works better than simply telling a child to calm down. Choosing the right words in the midst of your child’s angry cycle can defuse the situation and lead to healthy resolution.

Training Kids to Recognize and Stop their own Angry Cycles

When a child gets angry, multiple physical reactions are occurring inside their body. According to one public health organization, “The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase.”

We can help our kids understand what’s happening inside their minds and bodies when negative thoughts are triggered so that they don’t get caught up in the angry cycle, which can become a habit.

We can teach children to recognize and stop their own angry cycles using the three R’s:

• Recognize: Identify the thought that came before the emotion.
• Reflect: Think about how accurate and useful the thought is.
• Redirect: Change the thought to a more accurate or helpful one.

1. Recognize

How can a child begin to recognize trigger thoughts? Start writing a list of trigger thoughts on a piece of paper and review them regularly with your child. Some examples are: “She doesn’t care,” “This isn’t fair,” and “Nobody respects me.”

If your child is unable to identify his or her trigger thought, you can assist by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when you think I’m not listening to you, you get really angry with me.” Try to observe patterns that your child doesn’t yet recognize, and then help him.

2. Reflect

Next, teach your child to check his thoughts. For example, when he is having an intense emotional response, encourage him to evaluate whether the thoughts in his mind are true. When a child learns to evaluate her thoughts in this way, she is better able to change them.

3. Redirect

The next step is to replace the faulty thought with the truth. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Replacing negative thoughts — ones that lead to anger — with empowering thoughts does require some practice. Help your child focus on truth by listing counter statements to the trigger thoughts you’ve written down. For example, “I know Mom loves me,” “God is with me in unfair circumstances” and “I can set a good example for others.”

When our kids learn how to catch, check, and change their trigger thoughts, they are better able to keep these negative thoughts from growing into bitter emotions and angry outbursts. As we help them redirect trigger thoughts to truthful thoughts, we equip them to stop the cycle of anger.

How to Stop Your Child’s Angry Cycle with Calming Angry Kids

If you have a child who struggles with anger, or if you know a family that does, be sure to order Calming Angry Kids today. Each of us needs to wake up with hope and lay down in peace—you do, your kids do. Each of us needs to discover that with the right tools, overcoming anger is possible.

There is help. There is hope. There can be calm.

“I felt as though Tricia was sitting next to me sharing her personal stories and giving me help, guidance, and encouragement for my own parenting journey. If you have a child who struggles with anger, sit with Tricia and let her encourage you as well.”

Jamie Ivey
Bestselling author of If You Only Knew, host of the podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey 

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