Growing Your Relationship Through Every Season of Life – II

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Deborah Fileta: And so if you're in a season of winter, don't lose heart and think about, oh my goodness, how are we going to navigate back through fall and through summer and is it even possible to get through spring? Winter is the season of doing the work so that spring can come again.
John Fuller: That's Deborah Fileta describing ways you can navigate the inevitable ups and downs of marriage and relationships. Welcome back to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: last time we covered the different seasons of relationship. Actually, we covered two. We're going to cover the other two today, but spring and summer and it was such a wonderful insight into how to frame our relationships, whether it's marital or parenting or friend group or those acquaintances at church you might know. It's just a really good way to see how God has created us. God created us for relationship. It's probably one of the most unnoticed things that we need to concentrate on. I think we concentrate on salvation in Christ and how to live a spirit-led life. Those are tremendous and important, critically important. But he also built us for relationship. What about that scripture says, think more highly of others than yourself? The golden rule. Wow, are we applying things there? I think we need to and Deborah does a wonderful job at helping us better understand it.
John Fuller: And she shared from her newest book called Relationship Skills: The Four Seasons That Will Make or Break Your Love Life. We have copies of that here at the ministry. Stop by our website to learn more. And of course, if you missed the previous show, don't fret. We have audio copies here. You can contact us, download our app and have the programs on the go and we're also on YouTube.
Jim Daly: Deborah, welcome back. It's so good to have you.
Deborah Fileta: Always good to be with you.
Jim Daly: You know, it's so fun, and I mean this for the listeners and the viewer. You just bring power-packed information for us. We can all learn so much from what you've written and what the Lord has shown you. So thank you for that. It's diligence. I mean, you have to put time into it. Writing a book is not easy for those that haven't done it. I mean, it is time-consuming and you want to be thoughtful. So thank you for that effort.
Deborah Fileta: Well, it is a privilege.
Jim Daly: Yeah, it is really good. We left off, like I said, we covered spring and that infatuation stage and then the hot heat of summer. You mentioned at the end of the program last time just how you're exposing yourself more in every way in that summer heat, emotionally, physically, etc., especially in the context of marriage, obviously. Let's move into fall. Let's get those out of the way and then we'll come back and cover some more ground. But what is fall about?
Deborah Fileta: I always say that in fall, you start seeing things in HD. All of a sudden, the rose-colored glasses are gone and now I'm seeing everything in high definition.
Jim Daly: Can I give an example? Just to help, because in my own life, you know, I love, I joke pretty constantly. And I think my fall awareness was Jean going, yeah, you're not as funny right now.
Deborah Fileta: She used to love your jokes and now it's like, all right, Jim. But that's an example where anything too much of anything is fall. And we're seeing things through a different filter now. We're seeing things in the details, in the fine details. And sometimes actually we can see too much to the point where everything our partner does, and even the things that used to draw us to them, are now irritating and annoying and now we're struggling with some of those differences. A big thing that I talk about through the season of fall is compatibility. And all of a sudden all of your differences are clear. Maybe in spring and in summer you were focused more on your similarities, and now your differences feel really intense and extreme and you can have a hard time navigating the season of fall. This is why a lot of people say, "Well, maybe I married the wrong person" in that season of fall when all those struggles start to come up to the surface.
Jim Daly: Right, it moves into intolerability, which is very interesting. I think that's where the enemy and our own flesh begins to plant those seeds of doubt, like you said. And I think as we've counseled people here at Focus on the Family, the fall season is when you start thinking, maybe I need a divorce.
Deborah Fileta: Right. A lot of people do struggle and there's different parts of compatibility and different areas where we can find ourselves budding heads. Whether it's personality differences, lifestyle differences, culture differences, education differences, we can list so many different areas that can become sticking points. But one way that I like to think of compatibility is not how much do we have in common. Compatibility is more our ability to come together in our differences. It's an ability. Compatibility is actually a skill. It's an ability to be able to learn from you and to be able to come together in the areas that we are different, whether it's our financial perspective, whether it's our personality and learning to see the other person as an asset, as a blessing and a resource rather than a burden.
Jim Daly: Yeah. So you wrote the book, I'll ask you for an example of how you and John have managed incompatibility.
Deborah Fileta: Yeah. Honestly, this is a really clear example in our marriage because even on this conversation of chill to extreme and intensity, he's more chill, I'm more intense. Like, let's change, let's do this, let's grow, let's, you know, and learning that neither of those sides are in and of themselves good for a marriage. It's like the gas and the brakes. You can't just go, go, go, go, go without pulling back and stopping. But you can't just always be on break and expect your relationship is going to move forward. And so finding that balance looks like us learning to see the other person's personality traits as an asset, as a blessing. And also over the years, we've been married for almost 20 years and I think one of the most the greatest lessons has been learning to learn from one another. Me learning to become more chill and laid back, him learning to become more intentional in our relationship. Learning from each other is has really been one of the greatest gifts.
Jim Daly: You know, Jean and I have talked about that. We both feel like we have melded into better, different people and we've gleaned some of the better attributes from each other.
Deborah Fileta: Exactly.
Jim Daly: Which is a good thing.
Deborah Fileta: It is a very good thing. And to me, that is the goal of the season of fall. It's our ability to come together, to create compatibility even in our uniqueness and even in our differences.
Jim Daly: But I would say some of that comes with that grind. You know, you've got to have some adversity to better understand fall, I think. In fact, you said navigating conflict during the fall season is critically important. You named seven areas to be mindful of. I'll list them, but prepare for it, don't fear conflict, know your style, understand before being understood. That's a good one. Empathize, set boundaries, and then number seven, get to the roots. So why don't you, you don't have to hit them all, but touch on things that are important to you as the writer.
Deborah Fileta: Yeah. So here's a really good framework when you're navigating conflict. Start with what the person is feeling. And if you're the one that's sharing, "I'm feeling hurt by X. This happened and it really hurt my feelings." If you're the person that's listening, take that in and then try to repeat it to them in a way that shows them that you really listened. "What I'm hearing you say is you feel hurt because I didn't call you when I said I would and you're not feeling like a priority to me."
Jim Daly: Deborah, for the couples that are tipping into this conversation, that are in some trouble, some level of trouble, this quote that you mention in the book from Dr. Les Parrott who's been on the broadcast many times, Les and Leslie, but you quoted him as saying "Conflict is the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy." That's such a great promise for the turbulence you're in. But is it true?
Deborah Fileta: It is true. It is a price. We can't pretend that conflict doesn't come at a cost. It's uncomfortable, we don't want to navigate through it. It's hard, it takes a lot of energy out of us. But it is an invitation. It is a pathway to deeper intimacy. When you think about the relationships that you have that don't have never had conflict, they're usually pretty surface-level relationships. But the ones where we're getting deeper in relationships, the ones that are becoming more significant, we have to navigate through conflict.
Jim Daly: In that context for that couple, that promise that we're talking about, how do they see the trees through the forest though? Because the emotions of the moment is in the fall, "I married the wrong person. This is not going anywhere. I'm so frustrated. He does not meet those needs for me." I mean, whatever you can fill it in. How do they stop and go, okay, this is adversity, I heard Deborah talk about it, this is going to be good. It's just so opposite. So how do you slow down enough to look at it as a positive and now what do I have to do to get there with my spouse, with my teenager, let's just throw that one in, or whomever in my life that I'm having this conflict with. How do you set your mind up to be victorious?
Deborah Fileta: Yeah, always begin with the end in mind. Even when you're working out and you get to a point where it's painful and difficult and uncomfortable. It's like, what's the end goal here? The end goal is deeper relationships, becoming better. And I think a theme that I tell myself over and over again as I'm in the midst of conflict is "What is God revealing that he wants to heal in me?" What is God revealing that he wants to heal in me? And when I take that as the ultimate goal, I can receive conflict, I can engage with it and I can see it as a pathway towards something better.
Jim Daly: I want to highlight though what you said so we don't miss it: in me. Not in you. "I know what God needs to heal in you." That is not a good place to be, right? Why is that a major roadblock to healing as a couple?
Deborah Fileta: Well, first and foremost, it's because you cannot change the other person. You cannot heal them. But you can influence them when you begin to heal because relationships are like a recipe. And when you change your ingredients, it changes the entire recipe.
Jim Daly: The transparency factor is so critical. And again, I mean, right from the garden, Adam and Eve, we did this. It's in our nature to hide. We cover up, we blame each other. "Why did you do this?" "Well, the woman you gave me," right? And so how do we avoid the blame game and become more transparent and honest?
Deborah Fileta: The thing I love about the season of fall is that there's nowhere left to hide. The leaves have fallen off the trees now and it's like, there's nowhere left to hide. And you get to a point in your relationship where you have to choose to be fully known. That there are no secrets, that everything is now on the table with my spouse. And that leads to deeper levels of intimacy. You've heard the phrase being fully known so that you can be fully loved. And I think this really matters when it comes to the context of our relationships and a lot of couples, they don't live like this. There's a lot of places in their life that are kept in the dark, that are kept secret, that they feel ashamed to expose, whether it's things from the past or things in their present. And the goal is creating a safe place so that you can share, so that you can be fully known and connect with your partner in the way that God intended. That was God's intention from the beginning in the garden is for us to be fully known. And I truly believe we can replicate some of that in our marriages.
John Fuller: It takes good resources to do that though. And Focus on the Family is here for you. We have so much to help you. Of course, we have Deborah's book that we're talking about today, Relationship Skills: The Four Seasons That Will Make or Break Your Love Life. We've got information about our Hope Restored marriage intensives. We've got a marriage assessment. The beginning point would be to call 1-800, the letter A and the word FAMILY or stop by our website, that's focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Deborah, we saved the worst for last. It's not normally how we say that, but winter. This is where couples are feeling distant and cold toward each other. What are clear signs that we're in winter?
Deborah Fileta: Winter can come with a really intense feeling that things have frozen over, that there's a lack of love and connection. But they can also come with a more dangerous feeling of apathy. And apathy is more dangerous because it's like that subtle frost. It's not very obvious, but it's still deadly. It still destroys the relationship. Exactly. There was a frost just last week in Pennsylvania and I had planted a bunch of flowers because it was 80 degrees the week before and that frost quietly overnight destroyed all of those plants. And it's the same in our relationships. Some people are like, "Well, there's nothing majorly wrong here. We've been married for 40 years. Everything's fine." But is that what God wants for your relationship? Does God want apathy or does he want connection? And so I think frost sometimes is even more dangerous because it makes us think that everything's okay when really we're far from the point where God wants us to be and how we love each other.
Jim Daly: Yeah, it's interesting. even in a winter storm, you know, here in Colorado, we can get three feet of snow and everybody hunkers down. My sister used to manage a grocery store out here. She said it's so weird. The day before when we get that kind of weather forecast, everybody comes in for, guess what? Toilet paper and milk. She said it just flies off the shelf. And it is kind of interesting when bad weather hits like severe weather, we tend to pull together, a crisis, whatever it might be, something in our marriage. That light frost is what kills us.
Deborah Fileta: I agree. And so something for us to be on the lookout for. And I also think you just used a really good word: prepare. We all need to be prepared that a winter season will come in our marriage. And not only will it come, it should come. Because winter has positive benefits too. Winter is the season of turning inward, of asking myself where I need to heal and grow and change. God made winter to disinfect the ground. Without winter, we wouldn't be able to have the fruitful gardens and farming that we have in spring. And so winter is really significant because it has a purpose. And so if you're in the season of winter right now, I think the question is, what is the Lord wanting to disinfect, to heal in this relationship? I think winter is a season that every couple will pass through. But the invitation is not to stay in winter. It's a season to be passed through, knowing that if you do the right things, plant the right seeds, prepare the ground, spring can and should come again. And that's the hope that we have, is that even in winter, we know it's not the final season. Seasons are meant to cycle through.
Jim Daly: I get so excited with spring, especially here in Colorado. Because we come through usually tough winters. Not all of them are tough, but normally they are. And I'm tired of it being 10 below or zero and then you get the first warm day and you're going, wow, okay, it's coming. It's around the corner.
Deborah Fileta: And what if you appreciate spring even more because you've gone through a winter? In your marriage, when things start to turn in the right direction, when you start to treat each other better, when you start to heal, it's like, wow, God is doing something here and spring can be even better than it was in the early cycles of our relationship.
Jim Daly: You know, with our Hope Restored, I think thematically we see many, many couples who are just passing through the end of fall or deep in winter. It's just the nature of it. Something is motivating them. And I'm so thankful to those folks who have said, yes, we're going to try. Now often times we hear, this is our last attempt to save our marriage. That's really common. Or they have divorce papers already in hand or signed. I mean, it's amazing. And that program has an 81% save rate based on going back to each couple two years later. It's phenomenal. But as a counselor yourself, especially looking at the Christian community, we have the ability to get through winter. But some are not making it. They're the Donner Party. You know, they're going through Lake Tahoe in 12-foot snow as pioneers and they get caught. How do we as Christians particularly read the weather pattern of our marriage and know what to do instead of walking into the storm that will kill us, kill our relationship?
Deborah Fileta: I think the first thing is we need to reframe how we view winter because for some people they think it's the end of the journey. It's like, I have to go back through fall and then I have to go back through summer and then I have to get to spring again. That feels impossible. But that isn't the journey. The journey is to get through winter in order to reach spring again. And what these couples need to realize is some of the strongest relationships that I have seen have just come out of winter. Because they've learned to do things better, they've seen their mistakes, they've healed their wounds, they've went back to their childhood traumas and done the work that had never been done before and their spring feels better than ever. And so if you're in a season of winter, don't lose heart and think about, oh my goodness, how are we going to navigate back through fall and through summer and is it even possible to get through spring? Winter is the season of doing the work so that spring can come again. I see it every day and so do the retreats that you're doing. And really what it comes down to is a commitment to healing what I need to heal. Because my healing and my health overflow into the life of my relationship. When I think about this, I think of Jesus in Matthew chapter 7 where he says, "First remove the plank from your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." To me, there is permission to remove the speck from my brother's eye. Sometimes I need to confront you and ask you to change and give you what I'm experiencing and tell you my needs. But not before I do the work in myself because then, then I will see clearly to be able to bring you what I need to change and adjust and fix. And so to me, that's the formula for moving out of winter and into spring.
Jim Daly: And you know in that overstatement that I would make there what the Lord is saying is humility. Remove the plank from your own eye before you go after the smaller thing in your brother's eye. Because you're no different than the other guy, buddy, right? Or your wife. You all fall short.
Deborah Fileta: And when there's a plank in your own eye, you can't see clearly. When you're unhealed, when you've got wounds, it's really hard to see clearly what the other person needs to change and adjust and heal.
Jim Daly: It's so beautiful in that way, but it does take humility. I remember one time Jean said to me a few years ago, but she said, "I love you. I don't like you right now." And I was like, "How could you not like me, the extrovert?" And it was that intimacy thing I think when I get down to it. It was too superficial. She wanted something deeper. "I don't know you." And that I had to really think about that, how do I work on that to be less flippant, deeper emotionally so she could know me, right? So those are the ways to process that and to do it better.