New Life LIVE: August 7, 2026

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God’s word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let’s go to today’s episode.
Brian Perez: Hey everyone, welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez. So grateful for Christian Counseling Radio, I'm sure you are too. We are so grateful for the listeners and viewers of New Life LIVE. The viewers of radio, that just sounds like something we wouldn't have said years ago, but yeah, we are streaming on Facebook and YouTube. We know many of you watch us that way as well, and we're so grateful. I'm here with Dr. Jill Hubbard and Dr. Jim Burns, and we're going to go to the phones in just a moment. But Jill, hi, what's on your mind?
Jill Hubbard: Well, now that you can hear me. I was going to present something else, but then I started thinking on the way here and since I'm here with Jim, I'm going to switch topics. I'm also going to take Chris's spot a little bit because there's a little bit of a confession here. I was thinking about marriage later in life, Jim. And certainly, I mean, people know I was divorced for a really long time and a single mom, raised my kids, and that I got remarried a year ago. But this weekend my husband was ill. He had had surgery, he was sick, not feeling well, and so I had to wait on him a lot. And I have gotten really spoiled in a year's time because I realize how much my husband does for me and how much he actually waits on me. He comes home earlier than I do, I come home later, he cooks for me, he does all kinds of things. So he was ill, so I really had to think, "Okay, I need to be loving and empathic and take care of him." And at times I would come home from work because he's still ill and I'm having to do everything and go get the food and right, because I don't cook. And I thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm being a little selfish here." Thinking about marriage and then marriage later in life, relationships are never perfect. They do help us see ourselves and help us to grow, and we never stop growing. But I think about the things that I do now differently than married the first time. Ideally, I think people get married, they work out their childhood stuff together, they grow, they mature, they deepen their love. That's ideally. A lot of times it doesn't go that way. My husband now, we had to work out our stuff kind of separately and then coming together. So I really try like every morning to have a heart of gratitude for him. He's not a perfect guy. But I try to think and then when there are things that just bug me, I'm like, "Okay, but in the grand scheme, the good just so outweighs the bad." I feel very fortunate. So even like, "Okay, Jill, buck up and take care of this guy." And he's like, "You're the best, you've taken care of me better than anyone." I'm like, "If you only knew." Our feelings and our actions, our thoughts don't always align, but we make choices to do the right thing. And that's part of being committed, being dedicated to another person and serving them because it's mutual submission and mutual serving.
Brian Perez: Yeah, there's even a scripture that talks about that. Ephesians 5:21 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Submit and serve are very close words. So sometimes we're called to just serve, and the bubble in our head is going to go, "This might not be fair today. I don't want to," but we do it anyway. So good. And we're going to talk to you guys on the phone in just a minute about those huge problems that you're going through, whether it's in your marriage or with your kids or at the workplace. We'll be right back here on New Life LIVE.
Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: We are international. I love saying that. Sam in Ontario, Canada, was referred to us by a friend. So first of all, thank your friend on our behalf for letting you know about New Life LIVE. And thank you for calling in. How can we help you today?
Sam: Well, I'll start from the very beginning, a bit about myself. I'm 56, I have a beautiful 11-year-old boy who is the love of my life. He loves me too. I'm no longer with his mother. It's been many years. She got remarried, she has five different children from five different men. A few years ago, I was trying to say, "Look, I only have 30 percent of my son, I need more time." And she refused. My son would call constantly from my house, "Mom, can I have more time with Dad?" "No, no, no." It happened hundreds of times throughout the year. Finally, I took the leap of faith. A friend said, "Get a lawyer." So I got a family lawyer, went through the process, and things were going well. And then a little mishap happened. I spanked my son once, very lightly. She calls what we have here, the Children's Aid Society. They made a report, she called the police, just a fiasco. That was eventually dropped. And now when we started going back to the family court, things were going well. And then I was driving him to school a few months ago in the morning. He got recently diagnosed by a naturopath with ADHD. He was putting his arms in my face while we're driving. I pushed it. Obviously, he's going to go tell his mother. His mother makes a big stink. She calls 9-1-1, police report. So I'm back at it again and I have a lot of bitterness and as a Christian for many years, I can't take it anymore. It's an ongoing thing, every little episode. She has disputes with her other kids that left the home at 14. I'm from a Mediterranean background, Italian, we're very affectionate, family-oriented. She's not, unfortunately. There is just constant battle with her other kids who left, now they're in their early 20s, mid-20s. And I see the stuff my son vocalizes, there's stuff there too where she gets a little aggressive, her and her new husband. So my question is, I can't take this anymore. I've seen the constant I'm going to use the word narcissist. She has the traits, I've been studying it, therapists have told me. I can't take it anymore. And I love my son, that's the thing and he loves me. Now I'm under supervision, I have to pay a fee just to see him. I'm innocent until proven guilty, and I have to pay a fee and she in addition made a complaint and now I can't even see my son. It's an ongoing thing. I turn left, she's there. And she'll do anything to control me even at my own house with my son.
Jill Hubbard: Yeah, that's antagonistic parenting. And Sam, have you never reported her for any of her infractions?
Sam: I should have, I should have gone to the police, but it's not in my nature to go and cause things. But now that I know, God willing when I see my son again, if it does happen, of course, I'm going to call the police. She called 9-1-1, which is crazy. So now I gotta go through the court thing and it's just an ongoing thing, she's like that with her other kids. She's got five different kids from five different men.
Jill Hubbard: And Sam, is there anything in Canada about parental alienation? I am on a Facebook page, a lot of them are from the United States from your country. I have some friends who are going through the same thing. And there is a double standard with men and women, unfortunately. But have your attorney, or someone who can be an advocate and can make a case for you in that regard. Your ex-wife has a precedence for being litigious.
Sam: Yeah. Well, it was revealed at the family court about a year ago when things were well, and what she's done with her kids with physically fighting them. So I know my son loves his mother, I know that. I can see that he vocalizes it.
Jill Hubbard: And you want him to. Of course. But my goal was to like she's just argumentative, combative. I'm easygoing, but I've got a strong point too. I'm not going to be a doormat for her because I know that people who are narcissists, they're going to control your life. I stand up and obviously she doesn't like that. Anyone who stands in front of someone who's extremely combative and controlling, it obviously doesn't work for her.
Jill Hubbard: Well, they want to annihilate you, so it's not enough just to leave you, they do have an unconscious need to destroy.
Sam: But why though? Why? I'm a good guy, I support her, I give her child support.
Jill Hubbard: It's not about you. It's about her and the brokenness in her. So here's the thing though, of course you're mad, but do not hand anything over to her to use. As mad as you are, think about the love you have for your son and whatever restrictions are put on you, still see your son. It's not fair, it's not right, it makes you mad, but follow the rules. Follow the rules so that you can show a precedence of cooperation and doing what is told even though you disagree with it. You're not going to win the battle by protesting yourself and pushing against the system in that way. You can win the battles by, one, keeping relationship with your son because he is going to get older every year, and then having people fight on your behalf. I know family court is the worst, it's the most unpredictable, but it's what we've got.
Sam: I have to use the family court for leverage because it didn't work with her and I for many years. So I have to at least put that in place. It's working, it's taking a little longer than I thought. Obviously paying money. Now in Canada, my son's 11, and at 13 I believe, he has the right to choose to live with me. I can't coerce him, but if he chooses to, I would feel a lot better and he can visit his mother any time. I would like to have my son and spend time and do all the extracurricular activities that he doesn't do with his mother and just the love and all that. He loves his mother, I'm telling you right now, and she loves him too. But I have never seen my mother who's 80 years old, Italian lady, very compassionate, will cook whenever he comes over. He goes home, and if he doesn't like the food she says, "Go upstairs and that's it, you're going to your bedroom." Just things that he has to deal with without eating for the night. At 11 years old I'll make him whatever he eats, chicken, whatever he likes, make the desire of his heart.
Jill Hubbard: I know, it's really hard. And so you're Italian so you're very expressive. You have to manage your emotion. Find a way to share with us, share with your friends, your mother, your support system, but then, with your son, you're going to be the steady anchor in his life. He will notice the difference. He's getting to the age where he could move away from mom some. When kids are younger they really need their moms. But he's getting to the age, certainly by 13 or 14, where he might not choose that until he's 18. Unfortunately, in divorce, the ripple effects are never good. The fact that the courts kind of own your kids is hard. You don't get 100 percent say-so and you only get half of the influence. And for you it's 30 percent. Any gains that you could work on, small victories, like could you get 40 percent? I would work on that and get a good team to fight for you.
Jim Burns: You know Sam, I think you in the long run are going to win this battle because this son of yours, he's not dumb. He's going to get it and I actually think that as time goes on he'll move toward you because you're compassionate, you're loving, you're steady, none of the things that he's getting from the other house. Like you say, you don't want to put the other house down, you just simply want to be you. So I think how it's going to probably play out is that as time goes on, as long as you hang in there and I know you're at the you're at wits' end, but as long as you hang in there and you're that steady place, where's he going to go? He's going to go to you. Kathy and I were having dinner with a couple whose kids wouldn't speak to them until age 18 because of a very similar situation. Now the boys are totally involved in the life of this dad, and they're married and they have grandkids and all this kind of stuff. So when you look at the timeline, they got a divorce at about age 11. Those seven years were horrendous and then it just kept getting better and better and today, both of the boys live by them, not by their mother. I'm sad to say that there are consequences to the mother's decisions. That's now been years and years. These kids are probably 40-ish. So if you look at it in the long run, I think you just play the long game on this one. As much as you want to just pull out your hair and scream and shout, at the same time don't back down.
Jill Hubbard: Yeah, and if you're able, go to the school events. Even if you're not taking him, show up if he's involved in an activity or doing something at school. Go and be there, be as much a part of his life as you are able.
Brian Perez: Right. You gotta love tomorrow more than you hate right now. I read that in a book recently, a book in the NewLife.com store, "The Life-Changing Art of Self-Brain Surgery." I picked it up because I thought it was called "Self-Brian Surgery." But it's "Self-Brain Surgery." Good book by Dr. Lee Warren, we had him on the show just a few weeks ago. So check that out. Sam, thank you so much for calling us today and everybody watching and listening, if you could please keep Sam and his son in your prayers and that he'll just be able to develop that relationship in spite of everything that's going on. Anne in Waynesboro, Virginia, you are next. You watch us on YouTube and we thank you for doing that. What's going on? How can we help you?
Anne: All my life I've traded my peace to please others and now I'm just feeling like God is demanding that I live in peace and my surroundings are not allowing that to be achieved. I've tried different things, but my family wants me to pretty much live in my surroundings and find my peace with our dad living with me. He continually puts me down and cusses, and I just feel like my anxiety is soaring and it's caused some nonstop pain and I just don't know what else I can try.
Jill Hubbard: So your family is telling you they want your dad to live with you and you to be the caregiver?
Anne: Yeah, he has COPD and heart failure and he has Alzheimer's and a muscular disease. Those are probably the two worst things to correlate. A part of his brain is affecting his anger. His muscle disease is Charcot-Marie-Tooth where he has trouble with muscular issues and walking. I'm on oxygen with COPD and Fibromyalgia as well, and this anxiety has made me nonstop. I pay people when I can to come over and help me.
Jill Hubbard: Yeah, it sounds like you need someone to take care of you. Is your dad in your home now or they're just proposing this?
Anne: It's actually my ex-husband that lives with me.
Brian Perez: Oh, okay. All right, and we've got to go to break. We'll continue our conversation with you when we come back. We also want to talk to Charles and Jenny and anyone else who calls today here on New Life LIVE. I'm Brian Perez here with clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard and parenting expert Dr. Jim Burns who's the founder of Homeword and has written several books that are in the NewLife.com store. We want to help you with whatever it is you're going through. Find out more about us on our website, follow us on social media, so many ways to stay in contact with us nowadays. NewLife.com.
Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: All right, let's go back to Anne in Waynesboro, Virginia. Thanks so much for holding through the break. So just to clarify for anybody who's just tuned in right now, you're suffering with anxiety, fibromyalgia, you're in constant pain, and nothing seems to work. You're also a people pleaser and your family is telling you to live in your misery, they don't want to help. Who is it that they want you to take care of on top of having to take care of yourself?
Anne: It's actually their dad. We divorced a few years back and my kids try to help. My one daughter has twins and so they try to help when they can but they're just not available. But he has Alzheimer's and they feel he needs to be back home. To a big part I agree, but it's just bringing my health down really bad. Before he moved back in I had started an exercise program and low salt diet. I was starting to feel better and things have just went truly to the south and I'm just trying so hard to give it to God. But my people pleasing mentality is allowing it. How do I live in peace? I just feel like I need to start doing what I want to do and not what other people want me to do.
Brian Perez: Yes. Our "Take Your Life Back" class is one that talks about that.
Jim Burns: So Anne, this is your ex-husband, you're divorced from this man. But your kids are the ones who want him to move back in with you. I get your struggle. I understand. As a person who could go into people pleasing, I understand that. I have two words for you: protect and honor. I think you honor the relationship, he is the father of your children. But also I think you have to protect your own health, your own mental health. By protection, sometimes the best thing to do for protection is to say, "At this point in time, this is not the best for me and it's not going to be the best for him." Social services could actually come and be your friend on this and kind of maybe help them. I'm not sure it's your responsibility, but you could call social services and find out what do we do with a man like this? How do we get some help?
Jill Hubbard: And who else is in his life besides your kids? Why are they wanting you? You guys divorced for a reason. I'm all for being friends because you're always family. But to take this on when you're not well doesn't make a lot of sense to me. You have to be able to say, "I don't feel like I'm capable." To take care of someone with Alzheimer's is major. Is there the possibility of him going into a memory care facility?
Anne: He denies having the issue and he doesn't want anybody helping him do anything. It's a pride mentality that he has and so that makes it hard to bring in any services. He's declining really quick. But when I was in counseling when I had the right insurance, I was told that this anger is going to probably stay with him for the remainder.
Jill Hubbard: Well, a stage of Alzheimer's is anger. And then they eventually get to a softer place if they live that long.
Anne: Well, that's what I was thinking and she had said that depending on where it's affecting that it could be a long time. I see the kids' point because they don't want their dad living alone, suffering, and being in danger of being alone.
Brian Perez: But if something happened to you, what would they do? Have they thought about that?
Jill Hubbard: Right. Great question. And is there a place where he could live, like a separate area or a separate unit, and everybody help bring in caregivers for both of you so that there's help, but he would be nearby versus right there in your house? Now you're saddled with your ex-husband again at the worst stage of his life.
Jim Burns: Tell me about your kids. Why are they wanting you to do it and they wouldn't do it?
Anne: My daughter is basically the only one. I've got an older child that has addiction issues and she's out of the picture. And then my daughter who has eight-year-old twins and a 17-year-old child is just super, super busy. She's the only one that helps and it's wearing her down. Then I've got a son that he was staying with, but she kind of helped encourage my son to walk away from the whole family due to an issue with women. So that's just another whole story.
Brian Perez: All right, so what takeaways do we give Anne? We mentioned the "Take Your Life Back" course that begins next week.
Jill Hubbard: Well Anne, I think it's the old adage of put your own oxygen mask on first. For you to just people-please your way into the grave is not a good idea. I would challenge you to think of alternatives. Maybe you're going to check in on him more often, you're going to help out, but I don't think you taking on that burden sounds like the best idea.
Brian Perez: Right. Boundaries are so key in this one. Your daughter can say no.
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Brian Perez: Good news and bad news about our "Every Man's Battle" podcast. The bad news is if you've been missing out, you've missed out on a lot of good stuff. The good news is we archive it all on our YouTube channel so you can go and catch up on past episodes this weekend on our YouTube channel, on NewLife.com, and on our app. We also offer bonus content from the podcast. We send that monthly by email. If you want to sign up to receive it, just send an email to [email protected]. Put the words "bonus content" in the subject line and you'll be added to the list. Again, that address is EMB as in Every Man's Battle POD short for podcast, [email protected]. Jenny, we're going to talk to you after we go to Charles in Chicago who listens to the New Life LIVE podcast. Hey there, Charles, welcome.
Charles: Thank you guys so much.
Brian Perez: Yeah, what's going on? How can we help you?
Charles: Well, just in brief, I need some wisdom on how to discuss boundaries with my girlfriend in a balanced, appropriate way. Right now I'm in a long-distance relationship with a young lady who is originally from Brazil. She currently lives in Boston and I went out to see her over this past weekend and we had a lot of good times. But if you know anything about the Brazilian culture, they're very affectionate people. A kiss on the cheek is more of a greeting than anything. But here in America, especially within certain Christian contexts, a kiss on the cheek is the most romantic thing that most people are comfortable doing until marriage. We were kissing and there was instances where I backed away. I wasn't really sure in those moments what my actual convictions were and I was trying to explain certain things to her. I made the mistake of trying to explain it to her in those moments of emotional things. I'm just trying to get some wisdom on that, also with balancing. I've tried to talk to some people like my brother and sister-in-law and another good friend of mine who's in a similar situation. He's married to a Brazilian and just try to get some advice from them. But I kind of screwed up yesterday with her on a call, telling her about that, about some of the advice I was getting from my brother and sister-in-law about the kissing and she got really mad at me because she did tell me this multiple times during the whole thing. I guess by doing so I kind of signaled to her that I really didn't trust her. So I just need some wisdom on that.
Brian Perez: She tried to tell you what several times? I didn't get that part.
Charles: So my main convictions were the types of kissing we were doing. I did express in those moments even though I was the one in many cases that initiated that some of the stuff I don't want to do, but for her it was actually quite normal and we're both Christians. But she tried to tell me multiple times, "Hey, you're 30 years old, we're not children. This is an okay thing to do." I tried to explain some of my convictions and I just really had a hard time doing so. There were times when she just really didn't understand. There is a language barrier, her primary language is Portuguese. So we did have to say a lot of things through a translator. She's like, "I told you that over and over again that it's okay, it's not a sin, you're not doing anything wrong." But when I talked to my brother and sister-in-law about it, they told me that they were doing the same thing in their dating relationship, and they're both Christians as well. Other Christians have different convictions on kissing. I know a few people who are more conservative and then there's people who are less conservative but not going all the way.
Brian Perez: So this past weekend was that the first time this has ever happened? Is this the first time you'd ever met in person?
Charles: Yes. This was the first time.
Brian Perez: Okay. And how long have you guys known each other?
Charles: We've been talking for a little over three months all online or on the phone. You finally met her, you traveled from Chicago to Boston, you met her and she was just kind of taken aback that you didn't want to kiss her or whatever, but you're saying you have boundaries. She was more taken aback at how I expressed my openness to doing the whole kissing thing. Basically I'll be just very blunt here, she's completely open to French kissing and that was something that I was not expecting and that's something that I struggled with and I tried to explain that to her. But again, language barrier and trying to do it within the moment. I did it multiple times and she would call it giving her a sermon.
Jill Hubbard: Does she have the same convictions as you regarding sex before marriage?
Charles: In a sense, yes. To be upfront, she is not a virgin. So she's had experience before. I've never had this kind of experience. So she told me that we're not going to do that, but I try to explain to her that I just want to be careful not to get too close to it. There has been times when we kind of got a little too close to it.
Jim Burns: Well Charles, first of all I appreciate that you have convictions. I appreciate that she has convictions. And that's a good thing. I realize you say you've been connecting for three months, but this was your first date. I think it's always wise that people set standards before they go to Inspiration Point, if so to speak. I realize you weren't at Inspiration Point, but you know what I mean. I would suggest that you set some standards with her and say, "Hey, here's what I feel comfortable with the next time we get together." If she doesn't like that, well you're learning a lot. What's great about dating is that you learn about the other person, their likes, their wants, their communication, what they think about the physicality of a relationship. Like you say, people from Brazil are much more affectionate. That doesn't mean that she wanted to go all the way. So I would suggest that you set the standard before. Say, "Look, when next time we get together, what do you think about us doing this?" And then if you break that standard that you both set, then that's a concern. If you didn't, then you went, "Hey, great, we got farther along in the dating relationship." But for one date to be together person to person, that's a short time. I would suggest that you do it before you see her next time. Don't make it as a sermon, just say, "Hey, here's my deal." What's good about dating is you kind of go, "Here's who I am." You're being real and I love that because some people fake all this stuff in the relationship. Someday if you got serious in the relationship you're going to have to realize "I've been bringing a lie to you." You're not going to do that, so I appreciate that. Not preachy, not lecture, but here's "I want to see you again, here's the standard I've got."
Jill Hubbard: Well, and I think it needs to be not a monologue, a dialogue. So hear where she's coming from and seek understanding of how she sees it and where her line is. Then also you share where yours is and see where is there room to compromise there. Also this isn't just about, "Oh, we can't do this thing," right? It's about you want to lay an emotional foundation first. That's the reason why holding off from getting involved physically, it's because you want to lay a proper foundation and as soon as things get too physical, then you're always going to want to go back there and you circumvent getting to really know someone emotionally. It's out of honor for her and the relationship and building that foundation. You want to add in the positive reason, not just "I can't do this because it's wrong for me."
Brian Perez: Super well said. Emotional intimacy precedes physical intimacy. Charles, man, stay with it. Don't give up. If she doesn't honor your boundaries then maybe you find someone else? I don't know. Jenny, you're up next.
Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.
Brian Perez: A quick shoutout to Sue and Cece and Carol and Rose and Terry, Donna, so many people that we've helped this week here at New Life LIVE, not to mention the ones we've helped just today. We're going to help more. Jenny, you're up next here on the show, but I just want to invite everyone to come alongside what we do here at New Life. You can either be a 99 for the 1 partner where you provide a monthly gift every month or you can make a one-time gift at NewLife.com. You can also call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950 so that we can continue providing resources for the hurting men and women who turn to New Life in their hardest circumstances. Your giving makes a difference. Again, go to NewLife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950. Let's go to Jenny in Gainesville, Florida, says here you just found out about New Life. Hi.
Jenny: Hi, good afternoon. Actually I've heard of New Life, you referred me to a counselor. She's very good and I happened to catch your show live today.
Brian Perez: Okay, so maybe it's the first time you're calling us. Got it. What's going on?
Jenny: Utilizing the counselor, seeing her on my own and just trying to pray against discouragement. My husband gave up on counseling in the past. We also had coaching in the past, Christian coaching and it was very good. I blame myself really because I feel like we have different challenges, he and I. My question is how do I encourage without coming across like a nag? I have been accused of being a nag in the past and hearing these other calls I'm going, "Yeah, okay, sometimes when women we have a tendency to our encouragement can sound like nagging." I'm trying to impart to my husband my needs without being feeling bypassed. How do I show him our communication styles are different, they always have been.
Jill Hubbard: Well Jenny, it's always the challenge, how do we come across? None of us see ourselves in how we come across. I often say that we women try to make things better by pointing out what's wrong. When we lead with that and we're genuinely trying to help because we think, "Okay, if we can fix this, then you'll want to do better." But typically men don't respond well to that, even if you're 100 percent right. So you have to find another way. One is to think about when you finally do say something, a lot of times we say things and we're exasperated when we say it. They will feel and hear the energy that you are putting forward. How do we take the emotion out and frame it in a way that they can receive? Think about who your husband is and use your knowledge of him to work for you. Lots of husbands do better with praise. When you let them know throughout the day what you appreciate. Catch them doing something good and tell them. Be interested in some of what they're interested in, even if you're not. Then frame it like, "I'm wondering if you would be willing to consider doing this for me? I could really use your help and you're really good at this." You frame it in a way that kind of says "I need you," but it's because you think well of them. I think that most men respond better to that.
Jenny: I think what I'm seeing, through going to counseling and also hearing what you're saying, my husband and I are both very direct people. He more than I. When you have two people that are used to being direct, bottom-lining, maybe I tend to gild the lily more, so to speak. My husband's like, "Get to the point, get to the point." And that makes me nervous. I like what you're saying about finding a way to broach it.
Jill Hubbard: Take the emotion out of it. Give us both time to wake up. When is he most receptive? Then if he's pretty direct then don't add too much fluff, because he'll see through that. But be willing to accept his "no." Say something nice to him but also say, "Hey, would you be willing to do this to help me out?" He may say, "No, I really can't do that." "Okay, I'll figure it out." Your accepting "no" from him may make it easier for him to say "yes" to you at times.
Jenny: I'm seeing a pattern that perhaps a lot of times he would say "yes" and then do it begrudgingly. I didn't know that because he didn't show the emotion on his face. I didn't hear about it till later that, "I didn't want to do those things and now I'm resentful."
Jill Hubbard: Or maybe too it's "Would you be willing to do this when you have time?" versus "I need this right now." Think about him and your asking. It's just like how would you ask a friend to do something for you? You wouldn't demand it, you wouldn't point out all the ways they haven't helped you.
Jenny: No, I tend to be pretty self-sufficient and I think that's part of the issue is both of us were pretty self-sufficient people and then various circumstances happened to make us more reliant, which I believe the Lord allowed that to show us our need for him and I'm trying to lean into that.
Jill Hubbard: Certainly you could try to do this yourself, but it would be a big help to you if he were able, but you understand if he's not.
Jim Burns: Tell him what you want, tell him what you need, and know that men look at needs differently. You opened with needs, but men look at needs differently than women and men have different needs. I would suggest a great book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by William Harley. It's an older book, read the book and take the test. Kathy and I had very different needs, we didn't even know it. We had a great three-hour conversation on this needs stuff and I realized I wasn't meeting her needs because she wasn't telling me what her needs were. I was supposed to know it. That didn't work. Good book, "His Needs, Her Needs." Jenny, thank you for your phone call today.
Brian Perez: And one final reminder that the New Life courses begin next week. Find out about them, sign up for one of them at NewLife.com. God bless you guys.
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