New Life LIVE: October 5, 2026

New Life: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode. It's so good to have you here listening to New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today. We're only going to be in the studio for one hour today. By the way, we really are New Life Live today because we're in front of a live audience. How fun is that? We've got Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Becky Brown on the show today. She's also the president of New Life Ministries. And Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Chris "the Confessor" Williams. Why do I call him the confessor? You're about to find out.
Becky Brown: Okay, so here it is today. Now, some of what I do, like this here today, tends to be public-facing work. But it has a danger to it, and it's a danger that a lot of us fall into. And here's a danger I fall into. I tend to at times, and I've really had a history of this in the worst sort of way, love being perceived. Where you're perceived, often times what I love to do is to be admired. So if you're perceived, often times it's about performing. It's presenting a particular view of ourselves or typically an admirable part of ourselves. And it's really about impressing, but at the end of the day, perception is about the ego. And I've got a big one that has to be managed a lot.
New Life: There's your confession.
Becky Brown: The other confession part of this is the places where we are perceived. The best we can get is admiration. So perception leads to admiration, which is really at the end of the day just a temporary ego boost. Or it could be a temporary relief. Regardless, it still gives us a false sense of ourselves. It's a mask that we put on and it ends up being endless work. In Scripture, we see in Romans Chapter 12 it says, "love must be sincere." The other aspect of that is the love I receive from other people must be sincere. Therefore, it requires sincerity of me. So what perceiving needs to do is it needs to move out of the world of perception and into the world of being known. Being known is what requires something of us. Being perceived is about me and protecting me. Being known is about entering into honesty and transparency. It's about being real. It takes a lot of courage. Where we're known is actually what feeds the soul. It's not about the ego; it's about the soul. And then in that place where we're known, where we experience authentic love, we then start to flourish. You see, in the world of perception and admiration, you can never truly flourish, and the soul will never truly flourish. But it's only in the world of being known and being loved where we get a deeper sense of belonging. That's where true security can come from and then it builds us up and it strengthens us. We see that especially in Ephesians Chapter 3, that we may be strengthened in our inner being as it says, as we are known by Christ. And it requires that of each other. I've been able to hear a lot from J.J. West, and one of the things that is so remarkable about our experiences in something like Every Man's Battle is that we move out of the world of perception and admiration into the terrifying and freeing world of being known and loved where true recovery and true flourishing happen.
New Life: Becky.
Becky Brown: I can't agree more. I always take notes, but I can see that you have notes, so I'll be taking a screenshot. But I love that Ephesians 3 passage. You always bring something, Chris. And I will repeat it somewhere along the line and probably take it on as my own. That's my confession.
New Life: All right, you guys, call in. 1-800-229-3000 is the number. We're going to be here for an hour. Jan and Doug, we'll talk to you when we return from the break here on New Life Live. Thanks for watching and listening. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live. If you haven't yet downloaded the New Life app, make sure you do it because it puts thousands of powerful faith-based resources at your fingertips. You'll find expert guidance for whatever you're facing. You can hear the program live, access archived podcasts, read daily devotionals and articles, and so much more. So download the New Life app today. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call and we're going to speak with Jan in Los Angeles. Welcome to New Life Live, Jan. How can we help you?
Guest (Female): I'm looking for some guidance or some help. I've been very down, very discouraged and defeated. It's regarding my job. I'm an inside sales rep and they gave me the largest territory. They restructured everything. And so my dollar territory is three and a half to four times—a $14 million territory. And so now I'm not making any bonus where everybody else is.
New Life: Okay. Becky.
Becky Brown: How long, Jan, have you been doing this job?
Guest (Female): I've been in the industry for 32 years. I was mostly an outside rep. I took an inside rep position in 2022 because I was caring for my elderly dad. So I've been with this company almost five years.
Becky Brown: And so do you feel like you've taken on more than you can handle at this point and you're not being rewarded for it? Is that what the real issue is, or is it the work itself is just not what—okay.
Guest (Female): Absolutely.
Becky Brown: Okay. So it's just a little bit too much. And what steps have you taken as far as, going to your manager, director, HR, all those kind of things?
Guest (Female): Every other inside rep has five to ten outside reps. So there are anywhere between six and eleven people meeting their goal. I've voiced to my manager, my old manager, and she and her boss went to upper management. They had some good ideas, same ideas as I did, like just pay me a flat bonus or cut the territory down. But I mean, we need more outside reps and everything was declined. And that happened last week. So I just feel like the wind was taken out from under me. And now I'm traveling and I'm doing new product. I sold more—they wanted everybody to do 30 of a promotion and I did 125. I mean, I'm excelling.
Becky Brown: You are a rock star, Jan. That's exactly right. Well, but here's the problem. Because you're the rock star and you are doing what they need you to do, the hard part is that it's not going to be like they're going to find help because you are overcoming. This is going to be an opportunity for you to find your inner strength, like Chris was saying, so that you can ask for what you need to do and be willing to not do what you normally would do. When you are an overachiever or when you are a person who gets things done, you're not going to quit just because you don't have the support that you need, but ultimately it's affecting you. And so the boundary that you have to put up is saying, "Okay, this is what I'm willing to do, and this is what I will do. You know because I have been faithful in what you've given me up to this point, and I will stop at this point." But this is going to be a new way of thinking for you, Jan, because typically you're like, "You got a project? I'm going to get it done and I'm going to do it better than everybody else." It's just who you are. But you are recognizing that it's not because you can't do the job; it's because you can do the job that the pain is coming in. Chris.
Chris Williams: Yeah, punished for proficiency. That's really what it comes down to. Employers love competency and willingness and they tend to—we think they reward it, but oftentimes they punish it. And I don't think it's coming from an intended place. I think they're under pressure, they're trying to get things done, and they're going to rely on the reliable people. Here's the problem, and this is exactly what Becky was talking to. Jan, I heard someone tell me this quite a few years ago and it's stuck with me ever since. They said, "Chris, no one's going to value you more than you." It's just not that—and so Jan, the first thing is that you must value you. Here's what I can tell you that is probably true; it's going to sound risky. They can't afford to lose you. You have way more power than what you're giving yourself credit for. The other thing that Becky was talking about as well, I call them position agreements. Some people call them job descriptions. I use position agreements. This whole process about defining the parameters of a particular job or position. I think you need your own position agreement. That says what you are willing to do, what you're not willing to do, including your own performance expectations. And then go to your boss and say, "Hey, these are the parameters." And because they're not doing it, they're not setting the boundaries, they're not even—it sounds like—setting all the metrics because they don't even know how to do a bonus structure in here. The more that you take control of this, the more that you own it. And here is what I see over and over and over and over again. It's a huge risk, but I'm telling you the principle is there all the time, especially for high performers like you, Jan. The more you value you and the more you set boundaries, the more your value increases. Now, I'm not a big proponent of scarcity, but if your work is abundance, then it cheapens. If your work is scarce, it actually becomes more valuable. So driving the value is going to happen through setting boundaries and clarity of expectations of what you're willing to do and not willing to do. And that's hard work. It really is. It can feel risky and I get that. But in the end, I just see it over and over for high performers. You value yourself, you set the boundaries, you tell them what you'll do, and guess what happens.
Becky Brown: And Jan, I think that you recognize what gifts and talents you bring, but I think that the shift in the responsibilities surprised you and you can't believe that they're taking advantage of you. And what I want you to do is step out of denial and into acceptance that this is what's happening. It doesn't make them bad people. It's just a reality. The work needs to be done, they know that you'll do it, and you're ready to do it. Yet there need to be boundaries in place. That's not going to feel real comfortable for somebody who wants to do really well. But I think that's the way to go.
New Life: What do you think, Jan?
Guest (Female): The shift changed. We're owned by a private equity group and that was when the shift changed. And I know they're brutal. I understand business. So that's very helpful. Yeah.
Becky Brown: Well, and Jan, it may be helpful for you to get with a coach, a leadership coach that will help you through making these boundaries, getting real clear about your career steps. Because if you've been working for 30 years, it's not like you're going to do 30 more. Maybe you will. I mean, you could be that kind of achiever. I don't recommend it. But a leadership coach or somebody who is an organizational business coach can really help you define—and we have people in our network that we can help you with.
New Life: Jan, thanks for calling into today here on New Life Live. Stay on hold and we'll put you in contact with somebody in our network. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today here on New Life Live. Brian Perez here with Becky Brown and Chris Williams. And now we've got Doug in Greensboro, South Carolina. Hello, Doug. Welcome to New Life Live.
Guest (Male): Thank you. I'm a long-time listener but first-time caller.
New Life: What took you so long to call in, Doug? There's no shame. You're welcome.
Guest (Male): Not at all. Okay. Why I'm calling basically is if I could get some directions on what I may be missing as to strategies in my situation. I'm basically a single guy in my late 60s, retired comfortably, doing well, etc. I'm a believer Christian, very involved in multiple ministries at my church. The question is—I don't know if this is generic to this particular area that I live in or what—it is practically next to impossible to meet quality female friends. I have plenty of guy friends, yes, but it's like they don't exist or I'm not looking in the right places. So I'd love some guidance as to some possible steps I may be able to take.
Becky Brown: Doug, what's the value of having quality female friends in your life?
Guest (Male): I value the perspective that they bring to life. Because one of the ministries that I've been in in my church—I just recently stepped down—is a community group leader and I had several couples in there. And whenever we'd discuss passages of scripture, I just value their input, their view of thinking on certain passages that as a guy I would never have thought of. And I just find it—I'm just missing that in my life and I just wonder what steps I may be able to take on your suggestions to possibly correct this.
Becky Brown: Ask what have you done, Doug. Like, did you just think she was going to show up in the door or in the group? What have you done?
Guest (Male): I've been a community group leader. I'm on my usher team. I help on a weekend activity that we have. So I would always think that at my church, fortunately, you would think being a large church I'd have a lot of low-hanging fruit opportunities, but I'm just not seeing it there.
Becky Brown: Well, that's not a good metaphor for that, but I'm just saying I can help, Doug. Listen, here's the thing, and this is something that Chris Williams talks about, is you have to get specific. So you have an idea—you have a great idea about sharing life with somebody else. You love the perspective that a woman will bring, and I love that too. It's better to have that togetherness, especially in this season of life where you're not having to focus on work and you love ministry. I love all of that. And the reality is, as we get older, there's less to choose from and you have to get real specific. And you know, there are dating apps, and I'm not saying that you have to do this, but this is an option. This is what a lot of folks are doing where they get connected. Now, I would also—there's a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. And the same process applies today. You go on dates and you're not looking to marry the first person that you go out to coffee with or dinner. But there's a process and you need to have a couple of men who know you well, Doug, and know when you're in the wrong area altogether. So that's my two cents.
Chris Williams: Yeah, Doug, I would say this. The first thing I would change is the lens in which you're looking at things through. You said "impossible to meet quality female friends." And that impossibility, I don't think, is helping you because it forces you to look at what's not available rather than what is. And opening yourself up to possibility. Now, one of the things in this is I can't tell if you're actually looking for a friendship or a more romantic intimate relationship. So in the confusion of that, I just want you to know this. For females or even for married couples, that ambiguity and confusion repels. So Becky is talking about getting specific about what you want out of a relationship. So here's the line. Confusion repels, but clarity compels. And so I would, much like Becky said, get more involved with and get in deeper friendships with married couples. Meaning making sure that, of course, the husband is there. Because if you're kind of a lingerer and they don't know where you're at and what you're about, you don't become inviting; you become a threat. But if people know you and who you are and what you're about and what's a friendship versus what's a romantic interest, then that helps the people around you connect you to the right people. And I think that's really important, getting that clarity inside of yourself about what you're really looking for. Does that make sense, Doug?
Guest (Male): Yes. Yes.
Becky Brown: Okay. So get a copy of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Get a couple of men who know you well. Get real specific. I love that. Ambiguity and confusion repels, so you've got to get real clear. And with a heart like yours, I'm sure there are many women who are listening in South Carolina who are going to be calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE and finding out how to get ahold of Doug. I'm sure of it.
New Life: Doug, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. Stay on the phone. We want to send you a tip sheet that we have available called "Ten Tips for Finding The One." And that's available for anyone who is watching or listening right now. You can just call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. We'll also put the information there in our show notes. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back on New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit NewLife.com. Now back to New Life Live. We are celebrating. We are celebrating the ten-year anniversary of launching our Life Recovery Network. With over 850 groups meeting across the globe, thousands have found freedom in the Christ-centered 12-step life recovery community. Life recovery provides a safe community for honest conversations, accountability, with resources for lasting change. If you're ready to break free and grow, visit NewLife.com to find a group meeting in person or online and discover those life recovery resources. Back to the phones. Here is Susan in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. She called 1-800-229-3000 to speak with Becky Brown and Chris Williams. Hi there, Susan.
Guest (Female): Hi.
New Life: What's on your mind today? How can we help you?
Guest (Female): Well, I am really battling negative thoughts and I can't get them to stop. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and then like throughout my day. But throughout my day I'm sort of able to counteract them with the truth. I am a believer in Jesus Christ and so I have a community of ladies that come alongside me. But this is something no one else can help with or take care of and I just need help. I mean, it's very disturbing.
Becky Brown: When did it start, Susan?
Guest (Female): Well, okay. I retired a year ago from my job of 50 years and I thought that's what I wanted to do. And I was okay at first, but then I don't know where all of these—and it seems to be when I get the thoughts of comparing myself.