New Life LIVE: September 15, 2026

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.
Brian Perez: Hello, and welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today, so start calling in now. You want to talk about grief or boundaries, how to set boundaries, I should say, or codependency, betrayal, so much that we could talk about. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. We've got clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard here today as well as licensed marriage and family therapist, JJ West, who is also the presenter at our Every Man's Battle and Intimacy in Marriage Intensives. Guys, it's so good to be with you again today. JJ, what's on your mind to start us off?
JJ West: Well, great to be with you guys as well. So what's on my mind is slips versus relapses. In recovery, we talk about the fact that a relapse is a reality that we face, but there is a difference between a slip and a relapse. It's a little bit challenging to really understand the difference because they are similar at the start. In fact, relapse is based on the Latin "to slip back," I should say. Relapse is not Latin, sorry. Let me be clear. But the real difference is the duration. When you have a slip, we actually refer to it in recovery circles as a sudden lapse in progress or a specific lapse in progress, meaning that there's a very short duration to it. You don't stay in it long term. And the reason this is on my mind is I recently had a slip. I've been doing a weight loss program for the last month or so, and over the weekend, I was in California hosting Every Man's Battle. When I am traveling, I have less control over what food is available to me. When I'm at home, I get to control that pretty easily, but when I'm traveling, not so much. And so, I got out of ketosis, and I put on a couple pounds just in those four days that I was traveling. I was frustrated. I didn't want that to be the case, but I knew going in that that was likely going to be the outcome. And I also knew going in that my resolve was as soon as I returned home, I would get right back into my pattern of recovery in terms of changing how I eat, changing what goes in my body. And so it was a slip, not a relapse. Relapse would be a longer duration where I've not only engaged in some of the behavior, but I've re-engaged in some of the dangerous or difficult or dysfunctional thinking that goes along with addiction. And that's something I did not get into. I didn't get into a self-defeating view. I didn't give up on my goals. I didn't become hopeless and think there's no way I can reach my goals. I determined ahead of time I'm going to come back into a healthy way of living, eating, a healthy relationship with food. So I wanted to highlight that because it's so often that people in recovery will think if I have a slip, I'm starting all the way back at zero. And that's simply not the truth because you've learned so much in those days, weeks, months, and years of recovery that led up to that slip.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, I think that's true. And so sometimes people say, "Oh, I slipped, so I might as well really indulge now because I've totally blown it," instead of just seeing it. No, it was, like you said, a minor setback. Let's get back and let's look at why we slipped.
Brian Perez: JJ, I'm sure it's all the good Mexican food we have here in California that led to that. I don't know.
JJ West: It was included.
Brian Perez: Part of it, right? We're going to be here for two hours today, so call in. We've got Chris and Betsy standing by. We'll talk to you guys and a whole lot of other people as well, here on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: For over 30 years, Covenant Hills has helped men and women find lasting freedom from addiction through Christ-centered, clinically excellent care. With gender-specific programs, they offer residential treatment, day treatment, and ongoing support that heals the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. If you or someone you love is struggling, tell them about Covenant Hills. The website is covhills.com, or you can call Covenant Hills. Their phone number is 1-800-NO-ABUSE. And if you want to call us here at New Life Live, the number is 1-800-229-3000. Here with Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West. And we're going to go to the phones here and talk to Chris, who was at Every Man's Battle this past weekend. Hey, Chris, are you with us?
Chris: Hey, yeah, I'm here.
Brian Perez: Hey, thanks for calling in today. What's going on? You went to Every Man's Battle? How was it?
Chris: It was awesome. It was a great, great experience. Yeah, I just wanted to call in and kind of go through my mental process of the experience at the workshop.
Brian Perez: And for anyone who doesn't know, Every Man's Battle is Every Man's Battle. It's a weekend intensive that we have here at New Life in different parts of the country every few weeks. We do another one, and it's for men who are battling with issues of sexual integrity. So what's your story, Chris?
Chris: So I just want to start out by saying I had never been so fearful and full of anxiety checking into a hotel. Thinking about it so much, sitting in my car, thinking, "Man, when I walk into this place, what's going to happen?" And then having that same fear and anxiety about the people that are in this hotel. They're just going to see this guy over here that has all these issues, and I'm walking in this room and all these men are just going to be, "Oh, yeah, that guy's got... man, he is a weirdo." That fear is paralyzing. For me, I sat in my car for several minutes before I entered the hotel. But then you go in and you check in, and it's like any other hotel when you check in. And the people that are there, they're just people in the hotel like any other hotel. You go into the room where the conference is, and there's definitely an awkward silence while you're all waiting that is happening. But everyone's there for the same reason. And then I would say within the first hour of the conference, you listen and you experience a certain freedom, a certain understanding that, "Holy moly, this guy who seems like he's got his whole life together, he's got a really good life. I feel like I have a lot of respect for him as he's up here leading this conference. Man, he's just like me."
Brian Perez: And you experienced that within the first hour, you said? That's incredible.
Chris: Yeah, well, because they tell you their story. And you listen to their story, and you go, "Wow, he went through all that, and here he is on the other side. I could be there too. He's a man of God." So you kind of break some chains of feeling like you are hopeless and that you have this spotlight on you. There's a burden that gets lifted in that opening session. That's really, really powerful. Then I would say by the end of the first day, that freedom that you start to experience, it gets built on into a bonding with others. And you go through a process where not only do you realize, "I'm not the only one," but you're like, "Man, I got a bunch of guys who experience the same thing as me. These are good men." And you really start to connect, and you really start to feel like there's hope.
Brian Perez: I love how you said it's almost like you're breaking free from the bondage and you found bonding with these other guys that are part of it. JJ, you met Chris this weekend, right?
JJ West: I did. I did. Thanks for calling in, Chris. I'm so glad that it was a positive experience for you. Obviously, as you know, you weren't alone. A whole lot of guys were sitting in the parking lot or on the shuttle anxious about walking in those doors. And we have to have the courage to do that. But man, when we do, God meets us there. And it is a change. I love the way you just put that, Brian. We go from bondage to bonding. And we say this at the workshop all the time: the most important thing that we offer the guys is not the information. The information's good, don't get me wrong. I think we present some good information. But the most important thing, the most valuable thing, are the relationships that they build over the course of the weekend. Because for most of us, if not all of us, our addiction is a disease of isolation. It's that shame that keeps us continuing in the harmful habit, but also keeps us in isolation, which is the very source of our healing. And so if we can break free from that and into authentic relationship, we have a shot at freedom. And it's beautiful. So yeah, Chris, I'm so glad that you were courageous to walk in the doors and that you had a good experience there.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, and Chris, I love how you described it. As you were describing it, I was feeling it with you and that paralyzing fear. It's what keeps men from calling. It keeps men from showing up. And the fear right before you have that freedom that starts to melt away the shame. How do you tell men that? This is what you could have. Because I think before you experience it, you don't believe it. But I love that you pushed through that. And that, yes, like they're saying, you got to experience that. Thank you so much for calling and sharing.
Brian Perez: I'm sure your testimony is going to help a lot of people, Chris. So thanks so much for calling in. We've got another Every Man's Battle intensive coming up, and this one is happening online next month. Right, JJ? It's a one-day event we're doing it online.
JJ West: That's right. It's going to be on Friday in October. I want to say it is the 16th. I forget the date, so don't quote me on the date. But it is in October. It's on a Friday, which is a little bit different than we normally do. We normally do them on Saturday. We're going to do it on Friday this time to hopefully help some guys who maybe can't do it on the weekend because of work or football schedules or whatever.
Brian Perez: Or kids' soccer.
JJ West: Or kids' soccer, right, or travel or whatever. So a couple of really great things about the online workshop is that, one, you don't have to travel to get there. It's online. You don't have to carve out three or four days. It's all in one day. And so it opens the door for some people on October 16th who may not be able to attend an in-person workshop. Maybe you're homebound for various reasons, maybe because of illness or disability or maybe age. Maybe you're at an age where your parents are saying, "Look, we're not sending you to a workshop in another city in a hotel." But this is a way for you to participate, to get the information, and, by the way, to also have that sense of connection with the other guys because you still have not only the whole group teaching time, but you have these small group breakouts, all done over Zoom, all led by the same facilitators that lead our in-person workshop.
Brian Perez: So go to our website newlife.com to find out about it. Yes, it's on October 16th, a Friday, all day, online. Get the details by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE as well.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, yeah, and I think we're just trying all different ways to reach people and to help people. And so for the guy who's too paralyzed to show up like Chris did, I think this is a great option. And JJ, I think you have really good material. And so the material sets the stage and helps to facilitate then the ability for people to connect with others. So I think it all works together.
JJ West: I appreciate you saying that. A lot of the material is...
Dr. Jill Hubbard: You're just used to it. It's brand new to a lot of men.
JJ West: Yeah. But it's also helping the guys move from isolation to community. It's teaching the value of that, the importance of that, the biblical foundation for that, and then painting this picture of something beautiful, this sense of connection and freedom that I didn't think was possible because I believed that my brokenness, my shame, made me an outcast and no one would want to be anywhere near me. And the reality is that together, as we are all open and honest about our brokenness, we can find freedom together.
Brian Perez: Get the details at newlife.com. Wives, tell your husbands to sign up. It's happening in a few weeks, about a month from now, and we've got an early bird discount if you sign up by the 2nd of October. Again, go to newlife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Looks like we have another Every Man's Battle testimony we'll get to it after we talk to Betsy. Wow, it was a good one this time, I guess, huh? I mean, they're all good.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: They're all good. They're fantastic because JJ's leading. But you know what for wives, too? Don't settle for anything less. You deserve to have more out of your husband. Your husband deserves to have more. And so often we hear wives calling and saying, "Well, he won't do any more, but he says he won't do it again." Right? And it's like you get these feeble excuses that are just masking their fear. So it's a tough thing, but we women have to do our part.
Brian Perez: You heard it from the lady. Betsy in Tampa, Florida, watching us on YouTube. Thanks so much for calling us at 1-800-229-3000. If you're watching us on YouTube, make sure you click that little like thumbs up and subscribe to our channel too. It gets the algorithm going, and then we get more people knowing about New Life, and then they call in and their lives are transformed. Betsy, hi. How can we help you?
Betsy: Hi there. Well, you guys have led perfectly into my question, actually. It's along the lines of... I help at times with lay ministry, lay counseling, in the church setting. And I have seen multiple times where a well-meaning female minister will tell a woman that... they will caution her that it's built into a husband's DNA that they must get release or they will, whatever, become angry, whatever, to help them. And I've seen that be terrible advice when you've got likely a woman that's already a codependent and wants to take responsibility, so she believes that is true. So what's the wise counsel to counteract that?
JJ West: That's a great question, Betsy. And by the way, it's not just female ministers. There are many, many male ministers who have offered the same counsel to wives and to couples, and it's really, really dangerous and destructive counsel.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: And uninformed.
JJ West: And uninformed, yeah. By the way, there's a whole episode on the Every Man's Battle podcast that we did specifically to people in ministry and what to say and what not to say when you're walking with a couple through infidelity and recovery from infidelity. So I would encourage you as well as your staff to listen to that. But it's important to recognize that A—and this is something we cover at the workshop—sex is not a need. We think of it as a need because of a number of reasons: biological reasons, sociological reasons, cultural reasons why we've come to believe that sex is a need. But it's not a need. It's a gift that God gives us as a way to connect with others. But we're not going to die if we stop having sex. That's not going to happen.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay, but JJ, I have said that on radio, and I had a man argue with me about that. So I think people think that they will. And because certainly people in addiction feel like they have a greater desire, right? And it's often a bottomless pit because it doesn't meet the actual need. But anyway, go on.
JJ West: Correct. Well, and then the other thing that we have to hone in on is that just because I have a desire doesn't mean you're responsible to meet that desire. And then what happens is if I believe that, if I believe that you're responsible to meet my desire, now I feel justified if you're not meeting my desire at the level I want, I'm justified to go and meet it myself. And so it's a really dangerous perspective. Hear the music so we'll probably have to come back on the other side of the break to finish this.
Brian Perez: Betsy, standby. Thanks for calling in with your question. We'll continue our conversation with you when we return. And we're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next, so please call in. Let's talk about whatever it is that's troubling you. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. If you're watching on Facebook or YouTube, thanks so much for watching. You can call in too, just like Betsy did. 1-800-229-3000, and we'll talk to you in just a little bit.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: All right, we're back and talking to Betsy who called in from Tampa, Florida. 1-800-229-3000.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Then we were continuing on in the break talking. Yeah, there should be access to what we talk about during the break. That would be something.
Brian Perez: JJ, continue what you were saying and then we want to hear from Dr. Jill as well.
JJ West: Yeah, just that when we have that as our operating system, that sex is a need at the level of air and water and food, then I feel really justified. And if I think that that need is being withheld, I will do things that I promised I'd never do. And I'll go places I swore I'd never go, and I'll interact with people that I would have otherwise had no business interacting with. And it'll be justified because I desperately need to meet this need, otherwise I'm going to face a severe negative consequence. And that's wrong theology. Sometimes people base it on the First Corinthians Chapter 7 where he talks about it's better to marry than to burn and once you're married, don't withhold sex from each other unless for a certain specified period of time. But in none of those passages does God say, "Sex is a need that if you stop getting it, you're going to die." That doesn't occur in that chapter.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. People and often men just feel like they might die if they don't get it. And I think I was saying this off the air, but that it is true that married men within the context of a healthy emotional and sexual relationship statistically live longer. But I was saying that there's a whole myriad of variables that cause that to happen, and it's not just sex. And I've heard men make the argument, "Yes, well, if you have sex, you live longer." And that isn't exactly the case. But nonetheless, Betsy, you were asking about this woman's giving this advice, and I'm wondering how comfortable you feel to maybe have a discussion with her. And obviously I don't know the full context of the person she was counseling and why she might have given that advice, but to suggest that someone has to just put up with wrong behavior or sexual behavior that does not include emotional connection for the wife or working towards a healthier relationship, that certainly takes us back to the ages where women just had to kind of put up and shut up.
Betsy: Okay, so yes, I do want to have the conversation with some female ministers. But as well, though, my concern is for that codependent wife that needs to see more clearly how to advise her. That for her just to feel like she is there for the sole use of her husband at her own expense? Well, right, for her to see that and then, okay, then what? Then what does she do? Then how does she move forward practically?
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, I think in terms of where is her emotional connection with her husband? A lot of times we see women as needing the emotional connection because we have sex emotionally, right? We need to in our minds feel emotionally connected to give our bodies. Men don't need to do that as much. However, men really do need to feel emotionally connected, especially the older they get, as their testosterone is dropping. They also need that; they just aren't always aware that they need that and will use sex as a substitute for that. So I think for the wife in that situation to realize that her needs are important, they're not secondary to the husband's, and that really, if we are connected emotionally, men are going to have much more satisfying sexual intimacy in the long run. So it's really in both people's interest to work on the emotional connection. And so to talk with the wife about what are her needs in the marriage, in the relationship, what where are those voids for her and how can she lean into that with her husband and to bring it up?
JJ West: Yeah, and for them as a couple to be able to look at why is it that one or both of us want to have sex right now? Is it because we feel this deep sense of connection with one another and we want to express that physically? Or I'm using sex as a way to self-medicate my pain, my shame, whatever, and you're just a body that I'm using. I'm not emotionally, spiritually, relationally connected to you, right?
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Actually, as an avoidance, right, JJ? An avoidance of emotional intimacy where it's much easier to give your body than your heart.
JJ West: Correct. I agree. Yeah. And so we can be having sex with another person, but really we're just engaged in a different form of masturbation. It's not an actual heart-to-heart connection with that person, which is what God designed sex to be.
Brian Perez: Betsy, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. It's time for us to take another break. We can talk about sexual intimacy or any kind of intimacy in your marriage. In fact, we've got a weekend coming up called Intimacy in Marriage. JJ is the presenter. It is coming up in just a few weeks. The exact date is September 25th. That's when it begins. That's less than two weeks away. It's in Dallas, Texas. You can find out all about it at newlife.com, or you can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. We get testimonies all the time from couples who attend, and their marriages were made better. If you think your marriage is doing all right, you don't need to go away on a weekend... no, you do. And because it can be better than just all right. You did not get married, you did not say "I do" saying, "I will be... it's not suppose to be happily ever after, not just all right ever after." So learn more about it at newlife.com, and we'll be right back.
Guest (Male): Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways. Wouldn't you love to be part of a rescue team? Don't miss your opportunity to be part of something that changes lives every single day because every one matters. Your generosity helps find them. And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. "99 for the 1" is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/99for1. Join the mission, rescue the one and restore the many.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: Here with Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West. Hey, JJ, did you want to say anything about Intimacy in Marriage? Because I know that's your thing, so I wanted to... JJ's just everywhere.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: He is.
JJ West: I like to just bounce around the country, you know. It's fun. Yeah, I would love to say a word about Intimacy in Marriage. It's a fantastic workshop for couples, both married couples as well as engaged couples. Especially if you're an engaged couple, what a wonderful way to start off your life together. Or you may know an engaged couple that you're trying to think, "What could I give them as a gift to help them in their marriage?" and sending them to an Intimacy in Marriage workshop would be a wonderful gift for that. It's... so we do a team teaching, myself, Laura Mangin McDonald, Betsy Brown, all three of us work together to present these different topics, and it's all around the idea of attachment and how the way we learned to do relationship in our childhood—whatever our family of origin was—impacts the way we do our adult relationships, the way that we approach marriages, the way we approach in-laws, the way we approach children, all of that. But specifically, we look at the way it impacts our married relationships. And we try to help couples be able to identify those broken patterns of relating. You know how no matter where an argument starts, it always ends up in the same place? And we just feel like we go round and round and round. And so the workshop is designed to help couples identify that broken pattern and then establish a new way of communicating that is helpful and that gets us growing closer together, creating a higher level of intimacy. We have very frank conversations throughout the weekend, and so when you come, be prepared to have some really frank conversations both in the rooms as well as with your partner. But it's a way to, as you said, take a marriage that's doing okay and take it to that next level where we're actually doing great. It's also a way for couples who are really struggling, some who are even on the brink of divorce, and being able to salvage that relationship out of that pit of despair and into a life and a relationship that feels like authentic connection that we long for when we did say "I do."
Brian Perez: So get all the details at newlife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Whether you're a newlywed or an oldie wed or you're not even wed yet, maybe you're engaged. You know, I think this would be a greater gift to give somebody than, you know, whatever they might have in their registry: a toaster, a couple of lamps, some pillows, whatever. No, get them a registration for Intimacy in Marriage. Get all the details online at newlife.com. Let's go to Houston, Texas. Here is Lynn, who listens to us on SiriusXM Channel 131. Hi there, Lynn. Welcome to New Life Live.
Lynn: Hi. Thank you for taking my call. When I called, I really didn't hear the speaker, so I wasn't sure what y'all were talking about for the day. But I could relate to the last caller. Been married 28 years, dated for four prior to that. And our intimate relationship has really struggled probably for the last 10 years. Actually, the whole marriage. My husband has had some other addictions, not really pornography, but other sexual addictions that have affected my emotional connection with him. He has an odd connection with fantasies with my feet and everything like that, which I've really struggled that he, instead of connecting with me and communicating with me, everything was wrapped up with his odd desires of other parts of my body. But recently, I struggled with wanting to find ways out to end this marriage, and that way out happened financially when I discovered a couple of weeks ago that he was secretly taking large amounts of cash from my business that I do and putting it away in a separate account. And when I confronted him about it, he kept saying that it was from the second job, he was a business partner with me, but he really wasn't; he just helped out occasionally. So I really have lost... he was trying to throw things out at me to justify what he did. And I've completely lost trust in him now. And he wants a divorce, and I'm like, "Okay, God, is this your answer to what I've been feeling for all these years?" I've pretty much stayed in the marriage for my children who are... my youngest is now a graduate and fixing to go off to college. But I'm like, "Okay, is this now my way out?"
Brian Perez: Dr. Jill, what would you say?
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Wow, Lynn. Well, it's really hard when the trust is broken and it takes a lot to repair trust. Not impossible, but it does take a lot. And is your husband showing any remorse at all for having...
Lynn: No, he did apologize. I recorded the conversation because I was so distraught, I wanted to be able to go back and listen and process what he said. But he started out saying he was sorry, but then he kept trying to justify what he did. And I said, "You're not sorry when you're trying to justify what you did. A true apology is saying 'I'm sorry, please forgive me.'" He didn't do that. He didn't do that. I've already forgiven him because I did have an affair 15 years ago because of the lack of intimacy and his crazy behaviors. It almost caused me to just divorce him at that time. And I just couldn't at that time tell him that you're the reason why I had this affair. I just pretty much took blame and just continued on with the marriage because of the children. But he has not said, "I am sorry for doing this." He thinks what he did, that money is his because we're married, everything's 50/50. But the thing is, he did it in secret. It would be one thing if he thought that and discussed it with you and you guys worked that out.
JJ West: Has he returned the money?
Lynn: No.
JJ West: What did he use it for?
Lynn: He put it into his savings account and then moved it to his Charles Schwab account to buy stocks. And I think a lot of it is jealousy. I think a lot of it is jealousy because I do make a lot more money than he does. He does have a good job. He makes probably about 160 a year.
JJ West: So why doesn't he use his own money to make stock investments?
Lynn: Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I don't go secretly take his money from his paycheck. I pay the bills. I do everything out of a joint account. I have all my money or all the business money go into some accounts, and then a lot of it goes into a safe, and I use that for expenses for my children.
Brian Perez: Lynn, have you guys tried couples counseling? Have you ever been to our Intimacy in Marriage? What have you done?
Lynn: No. Well, we did 15 years ago after the affair we went a couple of times and I just thought it was just a waste of time. I even went last week to counseling for myself, and I felt like I could have done this with my mother. The counselor just did not engage with me, and I was just like, "This is just a waste of time. It felt like I was talking to my mother." So I just haven't found a good therapy program. And a lot of times I turn to wine for therapy.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay, well, which works in the moment, but it's not good long term, Lynn. But Lynn, it sounds like you are a very capable person, but I'm also hearing like you guys have had all these problems all these years, and you've really not done much. I mean, going to therapy twice isn't really doing therapy. It's interviewing for therapy. And it's not a miracle cure. It is a journey and a process and creates an environment for you guys to do the work you need to do, but it does take time. And sometimes it takes a little bit to find the right person, but then you have to stick with it to get any result at all.
Brian Perez: We've come up to our break, so Lynn and Jeff and Alex, everybody else on hold, stay right where you are. We're going to continue our conversations with you guys, and we're going to be in the studio for another hour after this one, so you can keep calling in. The number is 1-800-229-3000 to speak with JJ West and Dr. Jill Hubbard.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: So, Lynn, we really encourage you to attend the Intimacy in Marriage weekend intensive. Give it a shot. It's coming up in just a few weeks, less than two weeks from now.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Not to justify anything your husband has done. All of it is not good. But neither one of you have really done the work to work on your marriage. You may have done a lot of things to keep your lives going, but not really to work on the relationship. And I understand that is very difficult. Intimacy in Marriage, whether you stay together or not, would be of benefit for your children because it would help you kind of look at the issues, maybe have some compassion for each other, and have some insight in moving forward with or without each other.
JJ West: Correct. Because the truth is, even if you divorce, you take you into the future relationships. So all of those broken patterns...
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, and you're still saddled with him. You never fully divorce when you have children. You'll still be in relationship. He's the crazy uncle now instead of your husband.
Brian Perez: So get the details online. JJ, really quick, because there's another call we want to take this hour. What are some tips for finding a good therapist, a good counselor, and why you shouldn't give up after just one or two sessions?
JJ West: Yeah, so couple things. One is ask around. Ask people in your community, your small group, your church, your pastor, whomever. Ask, "Who do you recommend? Do you have a good relationship, a good experience with a local therapist?" And then interview the therapist. Ask them questions: "What experience do you have working with people with my particular issue, and what in general do you do? What does therapy look like?" So you talk with them ahead of time. And just like Jill said, if it's not a good fit, that's okay. I'm not the right fit for everybody. Jill's not the right fit for everybody. But we are the right fit for certain people. And so you meet with them, and if it's not a good fit, okay, let me continue on. I don't want to give up after the first session because it just didn't feel right. I've got to go find somebody that is the right fit for me in the same way that sometimes you have to get a second opinion from a doctor because it doesn't just feel like the right fit for them. So you want to ask good questions, you want to ask for referrals, and then you want to do your own interviewing. But don't give up early. Give it some time.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. And I think a lot of times narrowing it down to a few people, going to a first session, how do you feel in the room with the therapist? Do you like the person? Does it seem like they can help you? And so it's like you're both assessing each other. I'm assessing clients to see if I think I can help them. They're assessing me to see if they're going to feel comfortable coming and sharing with me. So it's an interviewing process on both sides. Yes, it is an investment. It may cost you a session, but it's worth the investment to finally get to a place where it's like, "Okay, now I'm with someone I can do the work with."
Brian Perez: And you can give us a call here at New Life and we will help you find a counselor or coach or therapist in your area. And we're going to be here in the studio for another hour, so call in to 1-800-229-3000 to speak with JJ West and Dr. Jill Hubbard. Alex and Linda standby. Here is Jeff in Anaheim, who listens to the New Life Live podcast. Hi there, Jeff. Welcome to New Life Live.
Jeff: Good morning. Thank you. I really don't have a question; it is more for JJ. It's a gratitude of thanks that I spent this past weekend with him and Doug and the rest of the Every Man's Battle group at the intensive. I got so much out of it, and I now have seven new brothers to reach out to in case of a lapse. It was an incredible, enlightening experience. When I finished on Sunday, I came home with my booklet, and my wife and I went page by page. She saw all my answers, and I explained everything that I had written down and how things felt to me during this weekend.
Brian Perez: What was your wife's reaction to that, Jeff? To you sharing too?
Jeff: Oh, absolutely. I broke her heart some, but now I need to repair it. And going through this weekend was the start of a road to recovery. But it answered things for her, that she had questions that she didn't feel I'd answered at all. So it was very therapeutic to sit down and go through that workbook with her. We took a group picture with my group, and we pasted that inside the workbook, and so I identified everybody that was in the group. We've already set up a chat room. We've already been chatting for the last couple days back and forth, referenced our experience over the weekend. That was my reason for calling.
JJ West: Oh, Jeff, thank you so much for calling. It's such an encouragement to hear your voice and to hear that you're already putting things into practice that we talked about at the intensive this weekend. There's so many guys, I think, who before coming to the Every Man's Battle Intensive, the idea of sitting down with your wife and going through a workbook where you poured out your heart and you revealed secrets that you've been keeping maybe for decades, but probably for years, to do that... oh my gosh, that sounds terrible, I don't want anything to do with that. But after going through the workshop to see the value of that and then to have that experience where it draws the two of you closer, that God takes something that the enemy intended for evil and he uses it for good for drawing the two of you closer. Wow, what a beautiful expression. And I'm just so thrilled.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: And what a gift. What a gift for your wife. So many wives don't have what you just gave your wife. It's painful, yes, it's hard to hear the truth, but better to know the truth than be left in the dark and be wondering and doubting herself and confused about the relationship. So it was a wonderful gift.
Jeff: Yeah, I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and there was a larger group of guys, and so it came my time to talk, I talked about my weekend and encouraged them if they need to reach out to New Life and to go through what I just went through to help them. So it was an incredible experience.
Brian Perez: Jeff, I can tell you are a changed man. I mean, I'm just talking to you here on the phone right now, I didn't know you before this phone call, but you can tell there's something in the voice that he is ready to make that difference. He wants to repair his wife's heart as best he can. And there's hope to do so. All those secrets, all the shame, all that are gone. And we appreciate, too, that you told your group that you met with yesterday at Celebrate Recovery that if they've got something similar going on to come out to New Life. And the next Every Man's Battle weekend that we're doing, it's just a one-day event. We're doing it online. And that's happening on October 16th, a Friday, all day Friday. You can get all the details about it at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. So JJ, I think we're going to see a lot of people show up at the one we're doing online.
JJ West: I sure hope so. The need is so great. I say this at the workshop, the guys who attend, they're our best advertising. They're like walking billboards for what happens at the workshop. And the need is tremendous. Like, we could have thousands of guys every single month and still only scratch the surface. So yeah, there's a tremendous need. There's a lot of hurting men and a lot of hurting marriages out there.
Brian Perez: Get all the details at newlife.com. And while you're on our website, would you make a donation to help us continue doing what we're doing here at New Life, not just the radio show and the podcasts and the weekend workshops, but we do so much more helping thousands of people all the time with whatever it is that they're going through? You can also give by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950. Linda, we're going to talk to you and Alex and everyone else who's on the board when we come back. And we're going to keep the phone lines open, so 1-800-229-3000. You know the number; now it's time to call in. We'd love to talk to you.
Guest (Male): Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.